Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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