the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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