3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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