We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
