Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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