this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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