Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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