i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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