I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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