I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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