i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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