if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
