I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
