There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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