We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
