I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
