the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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