remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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