all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
