She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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