You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
