Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
