Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
