My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
