I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
