guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
