I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize