I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
