you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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