Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
