I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
They have beer where we have blood.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
