I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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