I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
