So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
