i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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