No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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