i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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