I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
