my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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