I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
