There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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