dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
