My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize