Your face is a jimmy john
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
