Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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