He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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