I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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