My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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