I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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