She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
