Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
