Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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