I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
