I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do vagina's smell?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
