dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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