God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
