Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
